THE BEST OF TIMES

interlude..."Mediate"-INXS

2008-09-18T15:18:00.002+08:00

HallucinateDesegregateMediateAlleviateTry not to hate
Love your mateDon't suffocate on your own hateDesignate
your love as fateA one world stateAs human freightThe number eight
A white black stateA gentle traitThe broken crateA heavy weight
Or just too lateNow devastateAppreciateDepreciateFabricateEmulate
The truth dilateSpecial dateThe animal we ateGuilt debate
The edge serrateA better rateThe youth irateDeliberateFascinateDeviateReinstateLiberateTo moderateRecreate
Or detonateAnnihiliateAtomic fateMediateClear the stateActivateNow radiateA perfect stateFood on plateGravitate
The Earth's own weighDesignateyour love as fateAt ninety-eight
we all rotateLiberate

perjalanan ini

2008-09-18T01:12:00.005+08:00

betulkah penillaian aku ini...

perlukah aku meneruskan perjalanan yang penuh ranjau duri ini.

memang aku punya ramai kawan. namun diantara kawan2ku, dialah yang paling lama ku kenal. dialah yang paling banyak berkongsi pengalaman denganku...justru, dia lah yang paling aku sayangi...kerana itu juga, dia lah yang paling senang melukai aku...because what the others do or say does not matter to me...they don't matter as much.

katanya, semua orang istimewa...orang yang dikenal dua hari sama istimewa dengan yang dikenal empat tahun...jika semua istimewa...maka sebenarnya tiada yang istimewa.
namun bagi aku tidak begitu. orang yang aku kenal empat tahun sudah pasti lebih istimewa dari yang aku kenal setahun dua....aku tak akan menempatkan mereka dalam kategori yang sama...

tapi itu tak penting...lain padang lain belalang...istimewa atau tidak bukan issuenya...aku cuma mahu tahu dengan pasti yang aku juga berada dalam lingkaran sahabatnya, itu saja. tapi, itu pun tak mampu dia lakukan...apa saja lah...yang penting dia sentiasa berada dalam lingkaran sahabatku walau apa pun terjadi...

jika aku rasa ketiadaan ku akan dirindui...pasti aku akan tetap disisi

jika aku rasa ketiadaan ku akan membuatnya sedih, pasti aku tak akan pergi
aku juga tidak mahu pergi...

namun, aku sudah letih. letih menyaksikan lakonan demi lakonan yang membuat aku keliru. membuat aku menyangka yang aku juga sebahagian dari mereka yang menceriakan hidupnya. tapi kini dia telah tunjukkan dimana aku sebenarnya...for once...dia berlaku jujur...thank you.

memang aku keras kepala. memang aku keras hati.

tapi, aku yakin dan pasti, samada aku ada atau tiada, sama sahaja baginya...kerana aku cuma sekadar kenalan, dan dia ada ramai sahabat yang boleh menceriakan hidupnya.

maka, perlukah aku meneruskan perjalanan ini...
betul kah penilaian ku ini...

keadaan dan realiti

2008-09-16T12:23:00.006+08:00

Kita perlu menerima keadaan dan realiti seadanya...

kau telah meyakinkan aku...

apa yang kau tulis itulah keadaan dan realiti sebenarnya

aku terima...walau ia mengubah segalanya...

di manakah aku

2008-09-13T22:06:00.007+08:00

Pernah aku bertanya padamu, apakah aku berada didalam ‘circle of friends’ mu. Hingga kini kau tidak memberi jawapan yang pasti. Namun, setelah kau listkan satu persatu siapakah yang berada didalam lingkaran sahabat mu…ternyata…aku berada di luar circle of friends mu..

Jadi…dimanakah aku…

aku hanya berada bersama kumpulan orang2 yang pernah kau berurusan dengan…sekali dua…kumpulan yang ada atau tiada…tak akan memberi apa2 kesan pada mu. Disitulah kau tempatkan aku…sedangkan kau mengenali aku lebih lama dari kebanyakan nama yang kau tempatkan dalam lingkaran sahabat atau teman mu…dan pengalaman kita bersama hampir sama banyaknya dengan pengalamanmu bersama mereka…mungkin pengalaman bersama mereka jauh lebih berharga…maka mereka lebih layak untuk kau anggap sahabat sedangkan aku tidak…kerana itu amat mudah untuk kau mengatakan…aku sangat rindukan kalian…miss u guys so much…pernahkah kau merindui aku walau sedetik..

aku tahu…kau akan berkata…stop feeling that you’re second best…but then its stated in black and white…I am always second best in your life…

ku katakan sekali lagi...

Tiap kali aku mempersoalkan tindakan mu
Bukan bererti aku tidak mempercayaimu

Tiap kali aku menyakiti hatimu
Bukan bererti aku membencimu

Tiap kali aku berpaling darimu
Bukan bererti aku akan meninggalkanmu

Tiap kali aku menyepikan diri
Bukan bererti aku melupakanmu…

Aku menyepikan diri, kerana aku sedar kini…
Aku tidak penting buatmu.

life lesson # 3

2008-09-12T14:03:00.003+08:00

A JOURNEY THROUGH LIFE...

I'VE LEARNED

that you can do or say something in an instant that will give you heartache for life.

A JOURNEY THROUGH LIFE...
I'VE LEARNED

seandainya kita dicipta untuk menjadi satu, pasti suatu ketika akan bertemu...namun

seandainya kita dicipta untuk tidak bersatu,

walau dekat selalu kau takkan jadi kepunyaan ku

A JOURNEY THROUGH LIFE...

I'VE LEARNED

that no matter how good a friend is, they're going to hurt you every once in a while and you must forgive them for that.

some journeys cannot be put into words - 3: last season

2008-09-09T11:56:00.039+08:00

mengintai langit

2008-09-08T09:09:00.005+08:00

Saturday night, I took my kids to Kuantan Parade...saja...jalan2 sambil shopping. At that time, this new group Coco was promoting their album. I have to say, their songs are preety ok...more towards Indonesian bands kind of songs...ok la...especially their current single...mengintai langit...

Mengintai Langit
Artist : Coco

Setiap Hari Ku Tulis

Yang Aku Telah Jatuh Cinta

Tapi Ku Rasa Bersalah

Tidak Aku Nyatakan Padamu…

Adakah Engkau Merasa

Apa Yang Sedang Ku Rasa

Terpendam Ucap Asmara

Harapnya Kau Dah

Terima

# Chorus

Maafkan Aku Kerna Menyintaimu

Maafkan Jika Aku Tak Padan Denganmu

Tapi Aku Berjanji

Kau Juwita Hati

Akan Aku Jaga Hingga Akhir Nanti

Maafkan Aku Terus Memujamu

Maafkan Bagi Yang Terlanjur Merindu

Didalam Hujan Renyai

Aku Mengintai Langit

Mengharap Engkau Akan Setuju

Menyintai Aku

Menyanyi Dan Bisikan Lah Sayang

Bait Kata Dalam Jiwa

Tak Tahan Rasanya Menangung asmara

Dan Tak Dapat Ku Lelapkan Mata

Menghayalkanmu …Bermimpikan Mu ……Sepanjang Malamku…

some journeys cannot be put into words - 2 : dua musim yang lalu

2008-09-03T11:50:00.009+08:00

life lesson # 2

2008-09-03T10:30:00.002+08:00

A JOURNEY THROUGH LIFE...

I'VE LEARNED

that when friends say 'it's no big deal' it usually IS A BIG DEAL.

mendung

2008-09-01T14:35:00.005+08:00

hari ini...hari pertama di bulan ramadhan...bumi kuantan di basahi hujan. dari awal pagi hujan turun, hingga kini cuaca masih dingin dan mendung...tiada tanda matahari akan muncul...
sama seperti mendungnya hidupku...sama seperti dinginnya hatiku...apakah hari2 seterusnya akan terus begini....

life lesson # 1

2008-08-28T16:22:00.003+08:00

A JOURNEY THROUGH LIFE...

I'VE LEARNED...

that maturity has more to do with what types of experiences you've had and what you've learned from them and less to do with how many birthdays you've celebrated.

MA in TESL...

2008-08-27T14:35:00.004+08:00

its official...I'm now a masters degree holder...
tak de apa2 perbezaan pun....huhuhu

Kertas Untuk Pengesahan Senat ke-514 (14.08.08) 4/6

SENARAI CADANGAN PENGURNIAAN IJAZAH LANJUTAN PROGRAM MASTER TANPA THESIS

55. Normala binti Samsudin GS18391
Master Pendidikan Pengajaran Bahasa Inggeris sebagai Bahasa Kedua
Fakulti Pengajian Pendidikan

does this mean i have to attend the convo...nooooo!!!!!!!.....

some journeys cannot be put into words - 1

2008-08-26T10:48:00.019+08:00

jangan berkata selamanya

2008-08-25T21:11:00.007+08:00

Jangan berkata kau cinta
Jika sebenarnya kau tak peduli

Jangan bercakap tentang perasaan
Jika sebenarnya ia tiada

Jangan berkata kau akan...
Jika kau tidak ingin memulakan
jangan melihat ke dalam mataku
Jika kau hanya berpura-pura

jangan berkata ‘hi’,
Jika kau maksudkan ‘bye’

jangan genggam tanganku
Jika kau akan melukaiku

jangan berkata hanya aku
Jika ramai dalam mimpimu

Jangan pegang hatiku
Jika kau akan melepaskannya

Jangan berkata selamamya
Jika kau akan pergi jua

Jika benar ini selamanya ...pastinya kau akan mencuba
Jangan berkata selamanya ...kerna pasti aku terluka

quote

2008-08-18T13:03:00.004+08:00

mencintai bukan bererti memiliki

di pinggir sungai jatuh sekuntum mawar merah
aku melihat kau tersenyum
aku melihat batu di genggaman mu
aku melihat kau membunuhku

the price of love...so you think you're patriotic?

2008-08-14T20:36:00.005+08:00

we live, we learn, we lie...for the price of love

Aku

Bukanlah seorang perwira

Gagah menjunjung senjata

Namun hati rela berjuang

Walau dengan cara sendiri

Demi cinta ini

if you had to choose

between betraying your country,

your family and your friends,

which would you choose

tersekat dalam traffic jam

2008-08-06T09:20:00.003+08:00

Tersekat dalam traffic jam?...kat Kuantan?...not good...huhuhu Tapi betul. Thats what happened this morning, yang menyebabkan aku terpaksa cancel kelas 8 - 10 aku. Hampir dua jam aku tersekat di jalan..melihat beberapa buah ambulace menuju ke depan, tiga buah truck JPA menghala ke arah yang sama...my guess is there must be an accident...

Memang betul pun...aku terdengar kereta di depan bertanya kepada salah seorang Marshall yang sedang lalu...apparently it was caused by a collision between an army truck and a lorry...akan ambil masa untuk clearkan lalulintas...katanya....maka ramai lah warga Kuantan yang terlewat sampai ke destinasi masing2 pagi ni...

Sambil menunggu, aku sibuk membalas sms dari students yang tanya ada kelas ke tak de...propa kan...sedang aku sibuk bersms...aku tak perasan lorong disebelah kanan dah mula bergerak sedikit...tiba2 saja yang berhenti disebelah kereta aku ialah kereta polis...terkejut aku. Polis tu dah tersenyum2 tengok aku sedang sms sambil memandu...aku pun senyum la balik...nak buat apa lagi kan...

akhirnya aku pun tiba la ke tempat kejadian...memang pertembungan diantara lorry dan truck askar...tapi rupanya truck askar yang feri budak2 sekolah...down terus aku...harap2 budak2 tu semua ok...

Akhirnya aku sampai juga ke UMP....around 9.20...aku masih lagi down...dengan mode slow motion, aku berjalan ke Lab 4...walau aku tahu sure tak de lagi student yang tinggal...tapi aku takde mood nak berdepan dgn orang2 di CMLHS...lagi pun pkl 10 - 12 aku ada lagi satu kelas di Lab 11.

sekarang dah 9.50. Aku perlu ke Lab 11. Perlu tukar mode sekarang...gather all my positive vibes, put on my million dollar smile and greet the students...kan THE WORLD IS A STAGE...

EMPTY DECORATIONS

2008-08-05T00:12:00.006+08:00

empty decorations - indecisive

I wake in the dark

With showers of life

Moments of emptiness around

Floating away

No other hope

Reality brings me

Into the ground

What can I do

What can I say

I need a place to hide away

Just for a while, just for a smile

Just for a life I used to know

The perfect song were filled with

Words of love and not with anger

What if they go

What if they leave me far behind

'Cause I don't wanna be alone..

Living life for on my own

I don't want to live my life in isolation

Filled with empty decorations

'Cause I want to be with people that I know

Who would do the things I do

Making all my dreams come true

I don't recognize the shadows at my door

Though I've seen them all before

Because the only thing I really want..

Is to be with you....

kawan, sahabat, teman, dsb...

2008-08-01T13:39:00.005+08:00

hello...

dah lama tak jumpa...ye la...aku agak sibuk semester ni... kelas 24 jam seminggu...memang hectic...i hardly have enough time to breathe let alone to sit and write...Tapi...kesibukan bukan alasan untuk aku mengenepikan kawan2 ku...

This week, dalam kelas Uhl2313, kami berbincang tentang FRIENDS...

students have to give their personal definition of what a friend is and talk about what they consider as the most important thing or characteristic that they look for in a friend. Interesting to read what they came out with...

so...what's a friend to me... someone who...knows that good or bad, rain or shine, I always want him/her to be happy...

The most important characteristic ....? TELUS...

tapi kawan pun ada banyak kategori...ada yang dianggap sahabat, teman, kawan baik, dsb. tak kira lah dalam kategori apa aku diletakkan...walau aku hanya dalam kategori dsb sekali pun, aku tetap ingin dia bahagia kerana ...bila kau senyum, ku gembira...bila kau sedih ku menangis...

first timers

2008-07-22T17:04:00.003+08:00

Hari ni aku ajar students buat blog...hehehe...sure ramai yang rasa nak bunuh aku lepas ni...tapi tak pe...aku dah biasa. part of the job...working hazard...

Tak susah nak suruh dia orang buat blog ni...mention je 10%...terus buat tanpa sebarang kompromi...hahaha

masalah terbesar dia orang ialah dalam memilih tajuk blog...maklum la...kena pilih tajuk yang sesuai dgn jiwa masing2...so...aku pun tunjukkan semua contoh2 tajuk blog yang link dgn blog aku...famous sekejap kau orang....still...mereka ambik masa yang agak lama untuk come out dgn nama blog masing2, walaupun aku dah beritau....you can edit it later...huhuhu....apa ada pada nama???EVERYTHING!!!!!

comedy of error

2008-07-20T22:34:00.003+08:00

Semalam, aku hantar kereta aku untuk di servis. memang dah overdue pun...so..terpaksalah. seperti biasa, if I have to do something that requires me to sit and wait for a certain amount of time, I always take a novel with me. Its not like I absolutely love reading , but I hate making polite conversation or engage in pointless small talk with strangers. anti-social? Memang pun...
Tapi, ada jugak orang yang tak faham2, dah nampak aku sedang membaca dengan penuh konsentrasi pun still nak buat conversation...dalam hati aku rasa nak menjerit 'Don't bloody talk to me!!!' tapi aku just senyum dan jawab la dua tiga patah...

Buku yang aku bawa kali ni bertajuk "P.S. I love you", oleh Cecilia Ahern...yang diberi oleh seorang sahabat...not my usual genre, but I have nothing else to read...huhuhu.

Ceritanya mengisahkan kehidupan seorang wanita yang telah kehilangan suaminya...about how she tries to deal with it and get on with her life...yeah sounds very familiar...so familiar that I could almost identify with what the character was going through. I just want to share with you one of the dillemas that the character faces...which...huhuhu...I face also...seriously...

This was when her friends asked Holly why she doesn't talk about Gerry (her dead husband).

Holly paused for a while and looked out into the black sea. 'I don't know how to talk about him.' She paused again. 'I don't know whether to say "Gerry was" or "Gerry is". I don't know whether to be sad or happy when I talk about him to other people. It's like if I'm happy when I talk about him, certain people judge and expect me to be crying my eyes out. When I'm upset when talking about him, it makes people feel uncomfortable.'

Aku dah biasa dengan situasi begini. I really, seriously, absolutely hate it when somebody asks whether I'm married. Most of the time I just want to say NO...but my conscience would not let me do that. So, tragically, my answer is always...I WAS...etc, etc, etc...and I'll wait for their shocked expression...which I always get...then I'll wait for them to make up their minds whether to say 'So sorry to hear that' or ' you are a very brave woman' or something of that nature...hehehe...I could actually see their confused but sympathetic minds mechanically trying to work out how to react...let's see...you have three options...one...be sympathetic. Two...be supportive. Three...pretend you suddenly went deaf...hahaha...I could die laughing.

Most of the time, they would mumble something which sounded sympathetic and then went silent...looking like they wished the ground would suddenly open up and swallow them...Funny huh? It always ended up with me trying to make them feel better by saying ...tak pe..Dah 12 tahun...( again the shocked expression), I dah biasa...bla...bla...bla...and if they say...wah, dah 12 tahun...awak tak de boyfriend ke?...I would just smile and proceed to re-arrange their faces...

qoute of the day

2008-07-16T08:48:00.003+08:00

say no to a thousand things so that you can say yes to the few that really matter

Redzwan A. Rahim

erti sepi

2008-07-13T23:39:00.006+08:00

Filem Sepi merupakan filem yang sedang hangat diperkatakan pada waktu ini...honestly..i have not seen it...but from what I've heard, it is worth watching...a real tear-jerker...managed to squeeze some unwanted tears even from the male population...tapi aku tak terasa pulak nak menonton filem tu...tak tau kenapa... tak de mood nak menonton filem sedih pada saat ini...

namun...tajuknya membuatku terfikir...apakah sebenarnya SEPI bagi aku...inilah erti sepi bagi aku...

SEPI

SEPI itu teman karib

yang setia menemaniku setiap hari

dari saat aku terjaga

hingga ke saat aku di buai mimpi

SEPI itu musuh

yang sering menceroboh kubu emosi

dan meruntuhkan semangatku

SEPI itu guru

yang mengajar aku

erti ketabahan dan kesabaran

SEPI itu pengalaman

walaupun perit

berani aku tempuhi

SEPI itu pengorbanan

yang perlu aku lakukan

demi mereka yang aku sayang

SEPI itu cinta

yang tak mungkin akan berlaku

walau aku cinta padamu

SEPI itu rindu

yang perlu ku jadikan sempadan

antara kau dan aku

SEPI itu takdir

yang terpaksa aku terima

dengan hati terbuka

SEPI itu hakikat

yang tak mungkin dapat ku ubah

walau sekuat mana pun aku mencuba

SEPI ITU HIDUPKU

SEPI ITU HATIKU

SEPI ITU KAMU

SEPI ITU AKU

SEPI ITU SELAMANYA....

re: apabila anda mengenali seseorang...

2008-07-06T22:44:00.000+08:00

07.07.08

Orang lain biasanya menghukum tindakan kita itu salah jika tindakan kita itu berbeza dari apa kelaziman yang kita lakukan, maka mereka beranggapan bahawa kita sudah berubah dan berbeza dan lebih lanjut menghukum KITA SUDAH BERUBAH.

Memang kita akan beranggapan yang seseorang itu SUDAH BERUBAH jika

nyata tindakannya berbeza dari kelaziman...dan, jika berlaku pula situasi yang memang pernah berlaku dan tindakan serta reaksi seseorang itu pun masih sama
seperti dulu, masih sama seperti yang dijangka, maka kita akan berkata NOTHING

HAS CHANGED. jika tiada apa yang berubah..., apakah itu bererti tindakan orang

itu betul? dan jika tindakan orang itu memang menepati jangkaan, mungkin juga tanggapan kita terhadap orang itu betul...unless orang itu hanya berlakun semata2...which means kita langsung tidak mengenali orang itu.

Perlu untuk diingat, seorang pemikir pernah menyatakana bahawa anda hanya boleh melakukan 2 perkara sahaja dari sejarah. Yang pertama ialah mengulanginya dan yang kedua adalah belajar daripadanya.

Setuju sekali. Ada yang ingin sejarah berulang kerana mungkin ia membawa kebaikan kepadanya, namun kebiasaannya, memang orang akan menganggap sejarah sebagai sesuatu yang memberi pengajaran. Mungkin, situasi masa kini berbeza dari masa dulu...maka apa yang harus diteliti adalah apa yang menyebabkan perbezaan itu. Jika masa dulu melibatkan

pelbagai konflik yang kebanyakannya melibatkan salah faham dan prasangka yang berpunca dari tanggapan (ini ada bukti atau tanggapan semata2?) dan masa kini

kelihatannya lebih baik dari masa dulu, apa, kenapa, bila dan bagaimana ia berlaku? mungkin keadaan memang bertambah baik, mungkin benar...things change, people change. atau mungkin..masa lalu adalah realiti dan masa kini hanya lakunan semata2. Kadang2 kita langsung tidak mengenali seseorang walau telah lama berkawan.

Jadi diakhirnya, kadangkala, anda mungkin rasa anda mengenal seseorang tapi itu tidak bermakna itu adalah diri orang itu sebenarnya.

Jika kita rasa kita mengenal seseorang tetapi nyata itu bukan dirinya yang sebenarnya...apalagi yang tinggal untuk dijadikan teras persahabatan? apa yang ada cuma keraguan yang sebenarnya menjadi punca timbulnya salah faham dan prasangka.
amat perlu untuk kita meyakinkan diri bahawa kita memang mengenali seseorang itu, kerana jika timbul walau setitik keraguan di hati atau minda, maka akan hancurlah persahabatan itu.

kenangan lalu

2008-07-02T14:21:00.000+08:00

2 july, 2008

Pagi ini, on the way to work, aku terdengar lagu Jujur...nyanyian Radja. Sudah lama aku tidak mendengar lagu itu. Brings back memories...tersentuh perasaan ku. I remember the laughter. I remember the tears. I remember everything...they made me smile and they tore me apart at the same time...the clearest memory leaves the deepest scar...I wanted to laugh and cry...
kini...semua mengikut jalan sendiri. Aku juga begitu. Akan ku teruskan perjalanan...akan ku tinggalkan kenangan.

biar pun saat ini...aku sangat rindu... aku sangat sedih...namun aku tahu perasaan ini akan hilang...seperti hilangnya embun setiap kali terbitnya mentari...dan seperti embun...aku tahu ia akan muncul lagi...

so... I will make my dreams stronger than my memories...

JUJUR

Duhai kekasih pujaan hatiku
Dapatkah kau memberiku satu arti
Sedikit rasa yang bisa ku mengerti
Bukan sumpah atau janji

Buktikanlah bila kau ada cinta
Setulus hatimu bisa menerima
Sebatas kejujuran yang kau miliki
Bukan sekedar bersama

Jujurlah padaku
bila kau tak lagi cinta
Tinggalkanlah aku
bila tak mungkin bersama
Jauhi diriku,
lupakanlah aku
selamanya

If dreams are like movies, then memories are films about ghosts.

SMILE A BIT

2008-06-30T15:42:00.000+08:00

HERE ARE SOME LOGICAL THOUGHTS AND STATEMENTS THAT MIGHT MAKE YOU SMILE...

Whenever you find the key to success, someone changes the lock.

To Err is human, but to forgive is not a COMPANY policy.

The road to success??.. Is always under construction.

All the desirable things in life are either illegal, expensive or fattening.

If at first you don't succeed?. Destroy all evidence that you ever tried.

If you come early, the bus is late. If you come late?? the bus is still late.

When in a queue, the other line always moves faster and the person in front of you will always have the most complex of transactions.

If you have paper, you don't have a pen. If you have a pen, you don't have paper. If you have both, no one calls.

Especially for engg. Students : If you have bunked the class, the professor has taken attendance.

There are three sides to every argument: your side, my side and the right side.

An expert is someone who takes a subject you understand and makes it sound confusing.

When you're right, no one remembers. When you're wrong, no one forgets.

Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else. Everyone makes mistakes. The trick is to make them when nobody is looking.

Where there is a WILL, there is a WAY, Where there is MONEY, there are many WAYS.

module

2008-06-22T12:12:00.000+08:00

hari ni aku sibuk memerah otak untuk siapkan module UHl 2312...untuk pelajar semester 1 2008/2009. perlu siap by Monday...Oh...esok ke Monday...huhuhu...down terus...

U H L 2 3 1 2
Technical english

At the end of this unit, students should be able to:

· Identify various technical-related process explanation

· Identify relevant information from given texts

· Transfer information from linear to non linear texts

· Sequence the process based on given texts

· Change active to passive voice and vice versa

· Sequence process in the right order using the passive voice

· Use accurate transition in explaining process

· Write passive sentences with modals

· Identify dependent and independent clauses

· Use the passive structure to explain a process

· Develop a multimedia presentation to explain process

· Produce a multimedia product presentation

father's day

2008-06-16T10:31:00.000+08:00

Tak ada apa yang aku nak tulis pasal 'father's Day". Untuk anak2 ku, father's day tidak membawa apa2 pengertian...sudah hampir 13 tahun mereka hidup tanpa kehadiran seorang bapa...malah cuma Lily sahaja yang pernah merasai kasih sayang seorang bapa...selama 5 tahun pertama hidupnya. Jamee baru berusia 9 bulan pada waktu itu dan Izat lahir 3 bulan selepas bapanya meninggal...tak mengapalah...they won't miss what they have never had...harap2 begitulah.

Tahun lepas, sewaktu aku sedang membelek buku sekolah Izat, aku terjumpa sekeping kad di dalam bukunya. kad yang di buat daripada drawing block, rasa aku yang mereka buat sewaktu pendidikan seni di sekolah. Dihadapan kad itu tertulis perkataan 'Happy Fatrher's Day'...sedih nya hatiku, tuhan saja yang tahu...I could hear my heart breaking...I could not stand the pain.

aku sangka aku sudah cukup kuat untuk menghadapi semua cabaran. apparently not. Tak mengapalah anak2ku. Tabahkan hati, kuatkan semangat...nasibmu dan nasibku begini...biarlah. Memang langit tidak selalu cerah...tapi mendung bukan beerti hujan. Itu aku pasti. Seperti aku pasti akan terbitnya matahari esok pagi.

Disaat2 begini, amat senang untuk aku menyalahkan takdir...tapi itu tidak akan mengubah apa2. I have to stop feeling sorry for myself...macam kata Dr House..."so you got hurt...deal with it". Sangat brutal bunyinya...tapi ada kebenarannya. This is my life, if I don't try to make the best of it, who will? Namun, tika begini...aku terasa amat sunyi sekali...

OH ANGIN...

BAWALAH AKU BERTEMU DIA SEKEJAP SAJA...

HATIKU...INGIN TAHU..
SENDIRIKAH DIA...BERDUAKAH DIA DISANA...

is it any wonder...

2008-06-12T08:35:00.002+08:00

hello...been a while...

sekarang agak sibuk sebab sedang buat module untuk this coming semester....

nak update blog pun tak de masa...really???

hehehe...bukan tak de masa...24 jam satu hari, takkan tak cukup...cuma tak pandai membahagikan masa...

kata orang masa itu emas...tapi, aku tak berminat pulak dengan emas...huhuhu

I've got too much time on my hands...and its ticking away with my sanity
I've got too much time on my hands...its hard too believe such a calamity

I've got too much time on my hands...and its ticking away from me...

IS IT ANY WONDER I'M NOT CRAZY...

itu tadi...

sekarang...

aku baru diberitahu bendahari ump mengeluarkan pekeliling yang mengatakan bahawa kumpulan DG 41...ie. guru bahasa, tidak layak untuk di beri penginapan di hotel...kami perlu bayar dulu bill hotel dan claim later....sedangkan lecturer tak perlu buat macam tu...bila time kerja...kami layak untuk buat semua kerja yang lecturer buat, tapi dalam hal-hal begini, kami tak layak dapat apa yang lecturer dapat...

lagi pun, setahu aku, kelayakan untuk menginap di hotel adalah berdasarkan tangga gaji...bukannya gred.

Kalau pun pihak bendahari nak revise budget, janganlah sampai kami di'"victimised'...kenapa perlu ada double standard...

so...what I'm going to do now is finish the bloody module...which us Guru Bahasa are asked to do...even though essentially, the lecturers are sopposed to do it...and do it for free too...buat mudule MUET pun at least dapat bayaran...Having done that, I will hand the module to my coordinator, and dissappear...ie: I will not go to the retreat pemurnian module...

sekarang nak siapkan module pun aku dah tak de mood...my mood has flown off with my sanity...

IS IT ANY WONDER I'M STILL SANE AT ALL...

What you do with now

2008-06-04T15:19:00.000+08:00

dearest space cadets...hello. somehow i have returned to cyber-space without any clear idea of what i'm going to share with u guys. I could only say that today is not a good day for me...totally unproductive, highly demotivating and definately not worth talking about. ok enough about me...how have you been...?

WHAT YOU DO WITH NOW.

It is not your fault. But it is your responsibility.

The choices you have made have brought you to where you are now. And so have other factors that are completely beyond your control.

There's nothing to be gained by blaming yourself for the way your life has unfolded. There's everything to be gained by actively taking full responsibility for the way your life proceeds.

The route you traveled to this point no longer matters, for nothing can be done to change it. What truly matters is what you do with now.

Life is always unpredictable, yet there's something you can count on. The more sincerely and diligently you give yourself to the living of it, the more life will go your way.

In this moment is every possibility. Take responsibility for it all, and bring the best of those possibilities to life.

-- Ralph Marston

TWO ROADS DIVERGED IN A WOOD AND I..

I TOOK THE ONE LESS TRAVELLED BY...

enough for now...catch ya later...

WHAT IS LOVE

2008-05-23T10:28:00.000+08:00

aku perasan sejak kebelakangan ni ramai yang tulis entry yang bertemakan cinta. ada yang cakap tentang mencintai cinta, ada yang nak ucapkan cinta dalam semua bahasa di dunia, ada yang takut untuk bermimpi indah...huhuhu...ada juga cerita cinta....

mungkin ramai sedang ingin bercinta ataupun telah terjatuh ke dalam lubuk cinta sepi...err...gravity has got nothing to do with it...hehehe. apa pun... entry kali ini aku dedikasi kan untuk semua yang telah, sedang atau berharap akan jatuh cinta. aku berikan madah2 cinta untuk dijadikan inspirasi atau respirasi atau hallusinasi atau imaginasi atau appresiasi atau meditasi atau...resolusi...atau...

cinta sejati adalah cinta yang tidak bertambah kerana kebaikan dan tidak berkurang kerana kesalahan.

if you love somebody, let them go. if they return, they were always yours. if they don't, they never were.

ada hal yang sangat ingin kamu dengar, tapi tidak akan pernah kamu dengar dari orang yang kamu harapkan untuk mengatakannya...namun demikian, janganlah menulikan telinga untuk mendengar dari orang yang mengatakannya dengan sepenuh hati.

immature love says: I love you because I need you.

mature love says: I need you because I love you.

cinta sejati adalah ketika dia mencintai orang lain, dan kamu masih boleh tersenyum, sambil berkata: aku turut bahagia untukmu.

The best and most beautiful things in this world cannot be seen or even heard, but must be felt with the heart.

jangan sesekali mengucapkan selamat tinggal jika kamu masih mahu mencuba. jangan sesekali menyerah jika kamu masih merasa sanggup. jangan sesekali mengatakan kamu tidak mencintainya lagi jika kamu masih tidak dapat melupakannya.

A girl asked a boy if she was pretty.He said no.She asked him if he wanted to be with her forever.He said no.She then asked him if he would cry if she walked away.He again said no.She had heard too much.She needed to leave.As she walked away, he grabbed her arm and told her to stay, he said,"You're not pretty, you're beautiful. I don't want to be with you forever, I need to be with you forever. I wouldn't cry if you walked away, I would die."

di suatu hari kau datang dan bertanya padaku; apa yang lebih penting' dirimu atau nyawaku, dan aku menjawab, nyawaku lebih penting dan kau pun berlalu dangan penuh kekecewaan tanpa pernah kau sedari bahawa kau adalah nyawaku itu.

The saddest thing in the world, is loving someone who used to love you.

sungguh menyakitkan mencintai seseorang yang tidak mencintaimu, tetapi lebih menyakitkan adalah mencintai seseorang dan kamu tidak pernah memiliki keberanian untuk menyatakan cintamu kepadanya.

Do you love me because I am beautiful, or am I beautiful because you love me?

kamu tahu bahawa kamu sangat merindukan seseorang, ketika kamu memikirkannya, hatimu hancur berkeping. dan hanya dengan mendengar kata 'hai' darinya, dapat menyatukan kembali kepingan hati tersebut.

Have you ever wondered which hurts the most: saying something and wishing you had not, or saying nothing, and wishing you had?

'aku mencintaimu'. sukarkah untuk dilafazkan?

Hearts will never be practical until they are made unbreakable.

bukan laut namanya jika airnya tidak berombak. bukan cinta namanya jika perasaan tidak pernah terluka. bukan kekasih namanya jika hatinya tidak pernah merindu dan cemburu.

It takes a minute to have a crush on someone, an hour to like someone, and a day to love someone -- but it takes a lifetime to forget someone.

cinta tidak pernah menjanjikan apa-apa. ia berlaku dengan indah sekali dan mungkin berakhir dengan perit sekali.

I get the best feeling in the world when you say hi or even smile at me because I know, even if its just for a second, that I've crossed your mind.

dalam percintaan janganlah kamu kesali perpisahan tetapi kesali lah pertemuan kerana tanpa pertemuan tidak akan ada perpisahan.

Three Letters From Teddy by Elizabeth Silance Ballard

2008-05-16T11:37:00.000+08:00

Cerita ni aku baca sewaktu aku buat degree. Kami di suruh baca cerita ni dalam course Children's Development and Schooling. Sempena hari guru, aku berkongsi cerita ni dengan semua orang...especially yang nak jadi cikgu... baca dan hayatilah...

Teddy's letter came today and now that I've read it, I will place it in my cedar chest with the other things important to my life.

"I wanted you to be the first to know." I smiled as I read the words he had written, and my heart swelled with a pride that I had no right to feel. I have not seen Teddy Stallard since he was a student in my fifth-grade class, 15 years ago.

It was early in my career, and I had only been teaching for two years. From the first day he stepped into my classroom, I disliked Teddy. Teachers (although everyone knows differently) are not supposed to have favorites in a class, but most especially they are not to show dislike for a child, any child. Nevertheless, every year there are one or two children that one cannot help but be attracted to, for teachers are human, and it is a human nature to like bright, pretty, intelligent people, whether they are 10 years old or 25. And sometimes, not too often fortunately, there will be one or two students to whom the teacher just can't seem to relate.

I thought myself quite capable of handling my personal feelings along that line until Teddy walked into my life. There wasn't a child I particularly liked that year, but Teddy was most assuredly one I disliked. He was dirty. Not just occasionally, but all the time. His hair hung low over his ears, and he actually had to hold it out of his eyes as he wrote his papers in class. (And this was before it was fashionable to do so!) Too, he had a particular odor about him that I could never identify. His physical faults were many, and his intellect left a lot to be desired also. By the end of the first week, I knew he was hopelessly behind the others. Not only was he behind, but he was just plain slow! I began to withdraw from him immediately.

Any teacher will tell you it's more of a pleasure to teach a bright child. It is definitely more rewarding for one's ego. But any teacher worth her credentials can channel work to the bright child, keeping him challenged and learning while she puts her major effort on the slower ones. Any teacher can do this. Most teachers do it, but I didn't. Not that year. In fact, I concentrated on my best students and let the others follow along as best they could. Ashamed as I am to admit it, I took perverse pleasure in using my red pen; and each time I came to Teddy's papers, the cross-marks (and they were many) were always a little larger and a little redder than necessary.

"Poor work!" I wrote with a flourish. While I did not actually ridicule the boy, my attitude was obviously quite apparent to the class, for he quickly became the class "goat," the outcast - the unlovable and the unloved. He knew I didn't like him, but he didn't know why. Nor did I know - then or now - why I felt such and intense dislike for him. All I know is he was a little boy no one cared about, and I made no effort in his behalf. The days rolled by and we made it through the Fall Festival, the Thanksgiving holidays, and I continued marking happily with my red pen. As the Christmas holidays approached, I knew Teddy would never catch up in time to be promoted to the sixth-grade level. He would be a repeater. To justify myself, I went to his cumulative folder from time to time. He had very low grades for the first four years, but no grade failure. How he had made it, I didn't know. I closed my mind to the personal remarks:

First grade: "Teddy shows promise by work and attitude but has a poor home situation."Second grade: "Teddy could do better. Mother terminally ill. He received little help at home."Third grade: "Teddy is a pleasant boy. Helpful, but too serious. Slow learner. Mother passed away end of year."Fourth grade: "Very slow, but well behaved. Father shows no interest."

"Well, they passed him four times, but he will certainly repeat fifth grade! Do him good!" I said to myself.
And then the last day before the holiday arrived. Our little tree on the reading table sported paper and popcorn chains. Many gifts were heaped underneath, waiting for the big moment. Teachers always get several gifts at Christmas, but mine that year seemed bigger and more elaborate than ever. There was not a student who had not brought me one. Each unwrapping brought squeals of delight and the proud giver would receive effusive thank-you's.

His gift wasn't the last one I picked up; in fact, it was in the middle of the pile. It's wrapping was a brown paper bag, and he had colored Christmas trees and red bells all over it. It was stuck together with masking tape.
"For Miss Thompson - from Teddy," it read. The group was completely silent, and for the first time I felt conspicuous, embarrassed because they all stood watching me unwrap that gift. As I removed the last bit of masking tape, two items fell to my desk. A gaudy rhinestone bracelet with several stones missing and a small bottle of dime-store cologne - half empty. I could hear the snickers and whispers, and I wasn't sure I could look at Teddy.

"Isn't this lovely?" I asked, placing the bracelet on my wrist. "Teddy, would you help me fasten it?" He smiled shyly as he fixed the clasp, and I held up my wrist for all of them to admire. There were a few ooh's and ahhs, but as I dabbed the cologne behind my ears, all the little girls lined up for a dab behind their ears. I continued to open the gifts until I reached the bottom of the pile.

We ate our refreshments, and the bell rang. The children filed out with shouts of "See you next year!" and "Merry Christmas!" but Teddy waited at his desk. When they had all left, he walked toward me clutching his gift and books to his chest. "You smell just like Mom," he said softly. "Her bracelet looks real pretty on you too. I'm glad you liked it." He left quickly, and I locked the door, sat down and wept, resolving to make up to Teddy what I had deliberately deprived him of - a teacher who cared. I stayed every afternoon with Teddy from the end of the holidays until the last day of school. Sometimes we worked together. Sometimes he worked alone while I drew up lesson plans or graded papers.

Slowly but surely he caught up with the rest of the class. Gradually there was a definite upward curve in his grades. He did not have to repeat the fifth grade. In fact, his final averages were among the highest in the class, and although I knew he would be moving out of the state when school was out, I was not worried for him. Teddy had reached a level that would stand him in good stead the following year, no matter where he went. He had enjoyed a measure of success and as we were taught in our teacher training courses: "Success builds success."

I did not hear from Teddy until seven years later, when his first letter appeared in our mailbox.
"Dear Miss Thompson,I just wanted you to be the first to know. I will be graduating second in my class next month.
Very truly yours,Teddy Stallard."

I sent him a card of congratulations and a small package, a pen and pencil gift set. I wondered what he would do after graduation. Four years later, Teddy's second letter came.
"Dear Miss Thompson,
I wanted you to be the first to know. I was just informed I'll be graduating first in my class. The university has not been easy, but Iliked it.
Very truly yours,Teddy Stallard."

I sent him a good pair of sterling silver mono-grammed cuff links and a card, so proud of him I could burst! And now - today - Teddy's third letter.
"Dear Miss Thompson,
I wanted you to be the first to know. As of today I am Theodore J. Stallard, M.D. How about that!!?? I'm going to be married in July, the 27th, to be exact. I wanted to ask if you could come and sit where Mom would sit if she were here. I'll have no family there as Dad died last year.
Very truly yours,Ted Stallard."

I'm not sure what kind of gift one sends to a doctor on completion of medical school and state boards. Maybe I'll just wait and take a wedding gift, but my note can't wait.
"Dear Ted,
Congratulations! You made it, and you did it yourself! In spite of those like me and not because of us, this day has come for you. God bless you. I'll be at that wedding with bells on!"

HAPPY TEACHERS' DAY

aku

2008-05-14T12:36:00.000+08:00

Hari ini…

Aku amat depressed. Aku pun tak tahu sebabnya. Well, that’s not exactly true...I do know why... tapi tak perlu lah aku beritahu.

Aku perlu study, exam cuma tinggal 2 hari lagi...but i simply could not…

Aku tahu aku bukan sentiasa betul…aku bukan the most rational person in the world dan aku agak suka mengikut emosi… shoot first…ask question later…huhuhu…kerana itu aku selalu saja menyakiti hati dan perasaan orang lain. Aku tahu itu semua. Aku terima itu semua. Itulah aku…

For things to change i have to change first…perlukah aku berubah? Apakah jika aku berubah…keadaan akan berubah…atau benarkah nothing has changed…aku masih begitu..kau masih begitu…we are back to square one…

For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction. Setiap kali aku menyakiti hati seseorang, hati ku juga turut sakit, bila aku melukai hatimu, hati aku yang lebih teruk berdarah, setiap kali aku membuat sahabatku sedih, aku pun akan bersedih…I know all that., but still I could not stop. Setiap kali situasi yang sama berlaku, reaksiku akan tetap sama…sangat predictable bagi yang cukup mengenali aku...

I have to stop making judgements based on previous experiences and accept that things change…people change…anak sungai lagikan berubah…lupakan pengalaman lalu dan focus pada masa kini…masalahnya masa kini tidak cukup meyakinkan untuk aku melupakan masa lalu…

Comprehensive Exam

2008-05-13T10:01:00.000+08:00

USAH MIMPI MENAKLUK BINTANG KALAU BULAN PUN TAK KELIHATAN...

JADUAL WAKTU PEPERIKSAAN KOMPREHENSIVE

PROGRAM MASTER PENDIDIKAN (TESL) KUANTAN

17 Mei 2008 (Sabtu)

2.30 - 4.30 petang (2 jam)

*Research Methodology & S tatistics in Education

8.30 - 10.00 malam(2 jam)

Elective Papers

* Teaching Young Adult Literature

*Linguistics Application in TESL

*Materials Development

*Advanced Oral Communication

18 Mei 2008 (Ahad)

8.30am - 12.30 t/hari (4 jam)

Core Papers

*TESL Methodology

*Second Lg Teaching & Learning

*Curriculum & Syllabus Design

*Literature in Eng as a Second Language

*Testing & Evaluation in TESL

*Professional Development in Language

Kata orang, masa depan masih panjang….
Akan aku tahukah ketika saatnya tiba?

The life that is you

2008-05-12T11:26:00.000+08:00

*You can choose to be happy or you can choose to be miserable.

*You can choose to make productive and purposeful use of the moments in this day.

Or you can choose to let the time slip away and be left with nothing but regret.

*Life is what you decide you are going to make of it.

*You can complain that it's all so very unfair,

Or, you can fully accept life as it is

and then experience the genuine satisfaction of making your way forward in spite of the obstacles.

*You can choose to hide behind excuses

or you can open yourself up to the richness of life.

*No matter what has come before, life in this moment is what you decide to make it. *Consider all the possibilities, and then choose the life that is you.* janganlah berputus asa. tapi kalau sampai berada dalam keadaan putus asa, berjuanglah terus meskipun dalam keadaan putus asa.
*kurang semangat mengakibatkan lebih banyak kegagalan berbanding kurangnya kebijaksanaan atau kemahiran

*kekuatan tidak datang dari kemampuan fizikal, tapi ianya datang dari semangat yang tidak pernah mengalah.

perempuan adalah daun

2008-05-09T13:34:00.000+08:00

bukan aku yang tulis sajak ni. aku terjumpa di internet. Tak tau pun siapa penulis nya...rasanya seorang lelaki kot...tak kisah la..yang penting, aku tertarik dengan sajak ini.

perempuan adalah daun...

lelaki adalah angin yang datang tiba-tiba
meniup rindu
menghembus asa
membuai daun

hingga kadang daun menjadi hijau segar

namun ketika angin berlalu
hilang begitu saja di putaran waktu
daun itu menguning sebelum sang waktu menjemputnya
karena terjatuh di tanah

inginku
biarlah daun itu gugur karena kehendak Sang Alam

bukan karena tiupan kencang sang angin kembara
atau bukan karena tangkainya menjadi lemah ketika tahu angin telah pergi
menghilang tanpa bekas
meninggalkannya layu
membiarkannya kering terjatuh terkubur debu bumi

itulah perempuan

tempatnya mencari kesejukan dan dipaksa dikeringkan
yang sering tak terpikirkan
dilupakan akan kekuatannya
buat abadikan cintanya ...

daun yang telah gugur dan layu, walau disirami embun dan hujan tak mungkin akan segar kembali.....

Cinderella - tata young

2008-05-06T20:14:00.000+08:00

THIS AIN'T A LOVE SONG..

When I was just a little girl

My momma used to tuck me into bed

and she read me a story

It always was about a Princess in distress

And how a guy would save her

and end up with the glory

I'd lie in bed and think about the person that I wanted to be

Then one day I realized the fairy tale life wasn't for me

I don't wanna be like Cinderella

Sittin' in a dark old dusty cellar

Waiting for somebody, to come and set me free

I don't wanna be like Snow White

waiting for a handsome prince

to come and save meOn a horse of white,

unless we're riding side by side

Don't want to depend on no-one else

I'd rather rescue myself

Someday I'm gonna find someone

who wants my soul, heart and mind

Who's not afraid to show that he loves me

Somebody who will understand I'm happy just the way I am

Don't need nobody taking care of me

I will be there for him just as strong as he, will be there for me

When I give myself then it has got to be, an equal thing

I can slay, my own dragon...I can dream my own dreams

My knight in shining armour is me

So I'm gonna set me free

Comprehensive Exam

2008-05-02T15:00:00.000+08:00

this is the schedule for my CE....

Date : 17 & 18 May 2008

Paper 1 (2 hrs)

research methodology
statistics in education answer 1 question - combination of both subjects

Paper 2 - core paper ( 4 hrs)

TESL methodology
2nd language teaching and learning
curriculum & syllabus design
literature
assessment
professional development answer 2 questions

Paper 3 ( 2 hrs)

teaching young adult literature
linguistics apllication
materials development
advanced oral communication answer 1 question

passing mark is 65%...huhuhu

yang mana aku nak study dulu ya...

makhluk tuhan paling seksi

2008-04-17T13:14:00.000+08:00

engkaulah makhluk tuhan
yang tercipta
yang paling seksi...

hanya engkau yang mampu
membuat ku
terus menjerit...

hehehe...propa kan...? bukan apa...aku sedang mark students punya assessments semalam....at the same time fikir apa tajuk aku nak buat untuk library research aku yang kena hantar 2 hari lagi...at the same time juga fikir apa aku nak masukkan dalam E-portfolio aku yang kena hantar err....2 hari lagi jugak and at the same time trying to decide subject apa aku nak study dulu untuk final exam aku....dua hari lagi...huhuhu...banyak benda going on dalam otak aku ....biasa la...multi-tasking....

tiba-tiba lagu ni keluar dalam Hot FM. aku tergelak dengar lirik nya...hilang sekejap stress aku selama 3 minit...ok la tu kan? aku suka lagu ni...walaupun lirik nya agak cetek...messagenya tak serious...tapi objectivenya tercapai...ia berjaya menghiburkan aku selama 3 minit...

so....siapa agaknya makhluk tuhan yang paling seksi ni...definately not Sheikh Muzaffar...dia tak boleh baca puisi... so....tak seksi...hehe

sekarang aku perlu cari lagu untuk ganti aku masa exam....huhuhu...ada tak?...

Dulce Et Decorum Est

2008-04-14T12:07:00.000+08:00

Ini poem yang aku present dalam kelas literature aku Sabtu lepas. Tajuknya DULCE ET DECOURUM EST...pro patria mori. Kalau di translate secara literal dari Latin...it means something like...HOW SWEET IT IS TO DIE FOR YOUR COUNTRY...Itu cuma tajuknya...baca dulu poem ini and see if you can catch the irony. Lepas tu boleh la baca review yang aku tulis tu...tapi ini cuma draft nya saja...yang aku hantar kat Pn juridah lebih detail dan lebih critical.

DULCE ET DECORUM EST

Bent double, like old beggars under sacks,

Knock-kneed, coughing like hags, we cursed through sludge,

Till on the haunting flares we turned our backs

And towards our distant rest began to trudge.

Men marched asleep. Many had lost their boots

But limped on, blood-shod. All went lame; all blind;

Drunk with fatigue; deaf even to the hoots

Of tired, outstripped Five-Nines that dropped behind.

Gas! Gas! Quick, boys!—An ecstasy of fumbling,

Fitting the clumsy helmets just in time;

But someone still was yelling out and stumbling

And flound'ring like a man in fire or lime...

Dim, through the misty panes and thick green light,

As under a green sea, I saw him drowning.

In all my dreams, before my helpless sight,

He plunges at me, guttering, choking, drowning.

If in some smothering dreams you too could pace

Behind the wagon that we flung him in,

And watch the white eyes writhing in his face,

His hanging face, like a devil's sick of sin;

If you could hear, at every jolt, the blood

Come gargling from the froth-corrupted lungs,

Obscene as cancer, bitter as the cud

Of vile, incurable sores on innocent tongues,—

My friend, you would not tell with such high zest

To children ardent for some desperate glory,

The old Lie: Dulce et decorum est

Pro patria mori.

Wilfred Owen was born in 1893 in Shropshire, England. Teaching in France at the start of World War I, he joined the army in 1915. During that time met and befriended many writers, including Sigfried Sassoon, Robert Graves, and H.G. Wells. He died in battle one week before the end of the war, and his parents heard of his death while the armistice bells were ringing. He would become one of the most admired war poets of all time. At a time when accounts of war were heavily romanticized, Wilfred Owen's poetry was blunt and real. Having been swayed to volunteer for service in World War I in part by the glory of war, Owen felt it was his duty to relay the harsher truth, writing in a letter to his mother: "All a poet can do today is warn." His best known poem: Dulce et Decorum Est, is brutal even by today's standards.

This poem is a striking portrayal of war, and the devastating effects that it leaves behind. The poem illustrates the ruthlessness of war, and vividly describes the deadly situations that constantly face the soldiers. It also focuses on how war can completely dehumanize people, by shattering them physically as well as emotionally.

By displaying horrific scenarios that were so often part of the war, the poem shows exactly how merciless war is. The death of a soldier is graphically painted, so as to give responders a taste of what soldiers were frequently confronted with. A clear picture of an appalling scene can be put into the responders' minds through visual alliteration, as seen in "watch the white eyes writhing".

The horrors of war are further emphasized in "guttering, choking, drowning", where the repetition of the present participle builds up the obvious pain of the dying man. The employment of onomatopoeia also helps to illustrate the shocking circumstances, used in "gargling". Visual elements have already been established; the use of sound evokes our emotions even more. War is shown to put people through a harsh pain, a suffering that they should not have to endure. Besides being cruel, war is also portrayed as being an experience that dehumanises and ruins the lives of those involved in it. The soldiers are depicted as being worn out and weighed down with exhaustion, close to giving up. The use of similes helps to convey the message forcefully, as shown in "like old beggars under sacks" and "coughing like hags." The comparisons are easy for responders to relate to, making the incidents seem substantially more realistic. The weariness of the situation is emphasized in "tired, outstripped Five-Nines", where personification is used to give the impression that even the surroundings are drained of energy. Owen's poem is very successful at depicting war as revolting and unnecessary. The whole poem contains the feeling of lost hope, pain and suffering, completely contradicting the title, "Dulce et Decorum Est." War is shown not to be an honourable or sweet situation to die in, but unforgiving and deadly- an experience not easily survived, nor easily forgotten.

The poem has a message to convey; war is an ugly, brutal and nightmarish business. Owen called this poem a ‘gas poem’, attacking the patriotism of those people who have never experienced war first-hand, and who advocate that it is fitting to die for one’s country. "Dulce Et Decorum Est" is a reactionary poem. Owen reacts to a horrible war and to the lie being told about war. He shows us his reaction through the realism of his language. This poem is extremely effective as an anti-war poem, making war seem absolutely horrid and revolting, just as the author wanted it to.

Finally, Owen juxtaposes the idea of war as devastating and the idea of war as heroic to illustrate the poem's ultimate irony - "Dulce Et Decorum Est, Pro Patria Mori"1. How sweet it is to die for your country.”

berikan aku alasan

2008-04-03T15:28:00.000+08:00

Berikan aku alasan untuk meraguimu

Kerana aku percaya semua ucapan dan janjimu

Walau aku tahu kenyataannya berbeza

Berikan aku alasan untuk tidak menantimu

agar setiap kali kau pergi

aku tidak mengharapkan kau kembali

berikan aku alasan untuk menyesali

atau berikan aku sesuatu yang pasti

untuk ku genggam di saat aku merindui….

RISE

2008-03-26T13:28:00.000+08:00

just for my own reminder...

these are assignments that I need to finish...i mean...start doing.... i mean...start thinking about...

1. secondary research on lit & media - due 13.04.08 (Pn Juridah)

2. poem presentation + write-up - due 13.04.08 (Pn Juridah)

3. 5 lesson plans + reflection - due 13.04.08 (Pn Juridah)

4. statistics - ex 3 - due 29.03.08 (Dr Sahandry)

5. .E-portfolio & blog - due 19.04.08 (Dr Edwin)

6. speaking vs hearing -due 19.04.08 (Dr Nooreen)

7. lesson plan - media - due 19.04.08 (Dr Nooreen)

8. final exam -19, 20, 26.04.08

9. comprehensive exam -17 & 18.05.08

10. millions of students’ assessments to mark…huhu

SO THERE!!!!......

I HAVE STUMBLED…
I HAVE FALLEN….
BUT I AM NOT DEFEATED...
…..IF I HAVE TO GO DOWN
...I WILL GO DOWN IN A BLAZE OF GLORY..
AND RISE FROM THE ASHES…

apa pun yang terjadi....

berjalanlah tanpa henti...

don't you bring me down today

2008-03-23T01:16:00.000+08:00

banyak yang telah berlaku sepanjang minggu ini....malas nak cerita...aku tak mahu berperang dengan emosi...pasti aku tewas...
satu saja yang aku mahu...
tinggalkan aku sendiri...jangan ganggu hidup ku lagi... GET THE HELL OUT OF MY LIFE!!!
JIKA TIDAK....bayu akan bertukar menjadi ribut taufan...

BEAUTIFUL - CHRISTINA AGUILERA

Don't look at me
Every day is so wonderful
And suddenly, it's hard to breathe
Now and then, I get insecure
From all the fame, I'm so ashamed

I am beautiful no matter what they say
Words can't bring me down
I am beautiful in every single way
Yes, words can't bring me down
So don't you bring me down today

No matter what we do
No matter what they say
When the sun is shining through
Then the clouds won't stay
And everywhere we go
The sun won't always shine
But tomorrow will find a way
All the other times

We are beautiful no matter what they say
Yes, words won't bring us down
We are beautiful no matter what they say
Yes, words can't bring us down
Don't you bring me down today

THE AWAKENING

2008-03-16T17:37:00.000+08:00

Just finished my literature class today. We discussed a novel by a pro-feminist writer Kate Chopin. The novel is entitled 'The Awekening'...basically about a married women who fell in love with another man. Set at the end of the 19th century where it was unthinkable for a married woman to even think, let alone look at another man. This was the time when a woman is viewed as the property of the husband, They are supposed to stay at home, look preety, entertain guest and look after the children...just like the beautiful green and yellow parrot at the beginning of the novel...kept in a cage for people to look at and be entertained...

This novel deals with issues of feminism long before the feminist movement even existed.' The Awakening' refers the awakening of sexual desires, of freedom of minds, of breaking away from tradition. It portrays the mind set of society at that period of time towards non-conformists. If you dare break away from tradition, you have to suffer the consequences....be the brave soul...the soul that dares to defy...in the end, it was Edna who dares to defy the norms of the society, whereas Robert did not have the courage to defy the norms...hence, he left....typical male reaction, I told Mdm Juridah, and she agreed...

I questioned the real reason of Robert leaving at the end...Why did he leave?...was it because he was afraid of defying tradition or was it because now that he knew Edna was willing to go against the society, her husband and leave her children...she wasn't as unattainable as she was before. Now that she is within his grasp...he loses interest...only the impossible has any real charm...

Basically, what I got from this class is this....

WHEN A WOMAN SAYS 'I LOVE YOU 100%,' IT MEANS SHE LOVES YOU AND ONLY YOU.
WHEN A MAN SAYS 'I LOVE YOU 100%,' HE STILL HAS ROOM TO LOVE ANOTHER WOMAN 100%.

what do you think...?

quotes

2008-03-11T09:39:00.000+08:00

THE GRAND ESSENTIALS OF HAPPINESS ARE: SOMETHING TO DO,

SOMETHING TO LOVE,

AND SOMETHING TO HOPE FOR.

Allan K. Chalmers

sepi sekuntum mawar merah - ella

2008-03-09T10:36:00.000+08:00

Berulang kali kumencuba
Memujuk hati
Lupakan semuaKenangan...

Namun mimpi bertemu lagi
Di saat engkau
Tiada di sisi...

Ku berpegang pada janji

Tercipta ...

antara kita dulu

Hilangmu tiada berganti

Biarlah ...

begini...

Ku belayar di lautan

Tidak bertepian

Sesekali disedarkan
Ombak yang mendatang

Aku seperti

hilang...

Punca arah dan ...

tujuan

Aku puisikan namamu

Bersama rindu...

Di dalam sendu ...

saje je ...propa...hehe

quote of the day

2008-03-06T13:23:00.000+08:00

never allow a friend to cry alone...

selamanya

2008-03-04T12:43:00.000+08:00

Tiada masa untuk kita
Tiada tempat untuk kita
Siapakah yang membenarkan kita bermimpi,
lalu merampasnya semula
inginkah aku hidup selamanya…?

Tiada peluang untuk kita
Takdir bukan milik kita
Dunia hanya menyediakan sedetik saat manis
Untuk kita
beranikah aku hidup selamanya…?

Tapi…
Sentuhlah airmataku dengan bibirmu
Sentuhlah duniaku dengan jari-jemari mu
Hari itulah selamanya bagi ku…

the best of times

2008-03-04T11:51:00.000+08:00

our memories of yesterday will last a lifetime

we'll take the best

forget the rest

and...someday we'll find

these are the best of times....

warna kehidupanku

2008-02-23T00:42:00.000+08:00

Dah lama aku tak menulis...tak ada mood untuk buat apa-apa yang productive...kerja terlalu banyak hingga tak tahu mana nak buat dulu...biasalah..alasan. tapi... sepanjamg minggu ini memang aku agak boink...rasa 'high' sepanjang minggu, semua kabur dan mengelirukan lalu menimbulkan berbagai perasaan...marah, sedih, kecewa, sakit hati,keliru...the whole bloody lot...I felt victimized. Rasa nak bunuh orang ada, rasa nak terjun bangunan pun ada...aku 'demotivated' serta hilang fokus.

Warna kehidupanku sepanjang minggu ini adalah warna kelabu...tiada apa yang jelas, tiada apa yang pasti...semuanya kabur ibarat berjalan disubuh yang penuh kabus...menunggu terbitnya matahari agar hari kembali cerah dan semua kembali jelas. Hopefully next week will be much better...hopefully next week will bring the sun to me.

aku dan Gee...release tension kat office...brutal tak? ....
BRIGHT GUYS LIKE YOU AND ME CANNOT SUTVIVE THE SYSTEM BECAUSE THE DUMB GUYS DOMINATE...HEHEHE

love of my life

2008-02-08T23:49:00.003+08:00

How Do I Love Thee?

How do I love thee? Let me count the ways.

I love thee to the depth and breadth and height

My soul can reach, when feeling out of sight

For the ends of Being and ideal Grace.

Lily
I love thee to the level of everyday's

Most quiet need, by sun and candlelight.

I love thee freely, as men strive for Right;
I love thee purely, as they turn from Praise.

Jamee

I love thee with the passion put to use
In my old griefs, and with my childhood's faith.

I love thee with a love I seemed to lose
With my lost saints, I love thee with the breath,

Izat

Smiles, tears, of all my life! and, if God choose,

I shall but love thee better after death.

Elizabeth Browning

HAVE A GREAT VALENTINE...

DIFFICULT TIMES

2008-02-08T23:49:00.002+08:00

surviving
"You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, 'I lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along.

'" -- Eleanor Roosevelt
"Often my creative life has seemed like a long tunnel, dark and damp. And sometimes I wondered whether I could live through it. But I did!" -- Ai Qing

what's going on
ther sign of health is that we don't become undone by fear and trembling, but we take it as a message that it's time to stop struggling and look directly at what's threatening us."

-- Pema Chodron
"Welcome those big, sticky, complicated problems. In them are your most powerful opportunities."

-- Ralph Marston

Where are you going?
"If you’re going through hell, keep going."

-- Winston Churchill
"If things go wrong, don’t go with them."

-- Roger Babson

Flow
"Perhaps our eyes need to be washed by our tears once in a while, so that we can see Life with a clearer view again."

-- Alex Tan

Fly
"If you surrendered to the air, you could ride it."

-- Toni Morrison
"When everything seems to be going against you, remember that the airplane takes off against the wind, not with it."

-- Henry Ford

Talk it out
"At every crisis in one's life, it is absolute salvation to have some sympathetic friend to whom you can think aloud without restraint or misgiving."

-- Woodrow Wilson

Write it out
"May I make a suggestion, hoping it is not an impertinence? Write it down: write down what you feel. It is sometimes a wonderful help in misery."

-- Robertson Davies

This too shall pass
"If I can endure for this minute whatever is happening to me No matter how heavy my heart is or how dark the moment might be... If I can but keep on believing what I know in my heart to be true, That darkness will fade with morning and that this will pass away, too... Then nothing can ever disturb me or fill me with uncertain fear, For as sure as night brings dawning, my morning is bound to appear..."

-- Unknown

It will, really!
"Day by day nothing seems to change, but pretty soon everything's different."

-- Calvin & Hobbes

In the end...
"Extraordinary people survive under the most terrible circumstances and they become more extraordinary because of it."

-- Robertson Davies

MENDUNG TAK BERERTI HUJAN...

YAKINLAH INI SATU CABARAN...

AKU

2008-02-08T23:49:00.001+08:00

Saat Sungai berhenti mengalir,
laut berhenti brombak.
beku seperti salju,
dingin diiringi hembusan angin.
Aku, yg bersama waktu telah mengiringi dirimu,
kini kan berpisah,

saat itu kan ku terbang ke langit
agar semua tahu
hujan yang membasahi bumi saat itu
adalah air mata ku...
aku, yang bersama waktu menyayangi dirimu,
kini kan berpisah...

WHAT TIME IS IT?

2008-01-29T23:03:00.000+08:00

there is a time for everything...
a time to be born and a time to die
a time to plant and a time to uproot

a time to kill and a time to heal
a time to tear down and a time to build
a time to weep and a time to laugh

a time to search and a time to give up
a time to be silent and a time to speak
a time to love and a time to hate

a time for war and a time for peace

what time is it for you...

WILD FLOWERS...walaupun tidak tumbuh di taman yang indah, namun... tetap berseri dan menghiburkan hati ini...

aku hanya boneka

2008-01-12T21:35:00.002+08:00

adakah aku sekadar boneka...
sekadar mainan dikala duka...

tak cukup berharga untuk disimpan
tiak cukup usang untuk di buang

boneka ini sudah bosan...
bila sepi dijadikan hiburan

enggan di simpan sebagai mainan
hingga muncul patung idaman

patung idaman menjadi pilihan
boneka usang dicampak ketepian

tetap tersenyum dalam kesedihan
walau hati penuh gurisan

hari ini boneka berkata
tunjukkan diriku juga berharga

jika tidak dikala kau duka
boneka tak akan menjelma semula....

kerana tahu dirinya hanya
ibarat serangga di taman belantara...

DUNIA PANGGUNG SANDIWARA

2008-01-12T21:35:00.001+08:00

Hello,

Been a while...but, here I am again.

Ye la...sebelum aku di fire sebab tak update kan blog, lebih baik aku update kan dulu. Tapi...I wonder, orang2 yang suka fire tu dah update ke belum..? Aku tulis pun bukan kerana takut...I don't make decisions based on fear...fear is only in your head...

Behind all the tears, there is smile, behind all the fear there is sunshine...

Nothing much has changed since my last entry...except everything is a bit less hectic. Things seem to have settled down to its usual boring routine...nothing special, just the usual everyday nightmare...of teaching and studying and trying to avoid my boss at all time...not so easy, that one...

There's the issue of Kelab Orator, aka Kelab Penukir Ilmu. I have mixed feelings about this, so I will just keep my opinions to myself...aku takkan menyebelahi mana-mana pihak...community cyber atau community alam nyata...cuma aku harap, jangan luka yang kecil sampai dicemari virus hingga melarat menjadi gangrene...

Oh ya, I had an interview with my present boss, Pn Shikin and my previous boss, Prof Jalil regarding my Penilaian prestasi... where they give us marks based on our performance each year. I waited for 30 minutes and the interview lasted for less than 10...sad case isn't it? They didn't even tell me my marks...the only thing they asked was 'what were your achievements in 2007.' So I rattled on about my studies, debates and muet...maybe it'll get me 0.5 % more...but I don't think so...they have already decided on the marks...the interview was just a formality after all...lakunan semata-mata...

So..I wonder...apa motive interview ni? Kalau objectivenya untuk memberitahu markah yang aku dapat...mereka tak beritahu pun...kalau untuk menilai pun, tak tercapai sebab before the interview pun mereka dah decide on how much to give...kalau setakat untuk decide whether nak tambah 0.5%, aku rasa tak perlu...tak tambah pun tak apa, aku tak kisah pun...semua yang aku buat bukannya untuk dapatkan 0.5% tu...plus I really hate interviews. I hate having to promote and sell myself...and for what? If I deserve a high mark, then give it to me, if I don't, then don't give...apa masalahnya...kalau tanya 'how much do you think we should give you...' of course aku akan jawab 100%...nak beri ke...?

Sering aku bertanya......siapakah aku untuk mengatakan yang aku berhak memiliki kebahagiaan, kekayaan, kepandaian, kecantikan, kesempurnaan, dsb...
namun, sebenarnya...... siapakah aku untuk mengatakan yang aku tidak berhak...?

Don't get me wrong. I love my work. I love teaching...mainly because I don't like my life to be too orderly, and teaching is unpredictable. I don't think I could survive working 9 to 5 shuffling papers in an office or dealing with inanimate machines in a factory every single day...that would get me into Tanjung Rambutan faster than Schumacher could drive.

I remember my lecturer asking each of us 'what is the most difficult thing about being a teacher or lecturer?'

For me, its not the subject matter, neither is it the actual act of teaching. Nope. The most difficult thing about being a teacher is having to perform...dunia ini, panggung sandiwara...kan?.. walau pun ceritanya tak lah sehebat kisah Mahabrata atau tragedi dari Yunani...its all about performing...in class, in front of the students...if I woke up in the morning wishing that everyone was dead, before going into class, I have to summon all the positive vibes in my body and greet the students with a million dollar smile...lihatlah dunia...aku anak wayang! It's exhausting sometimes... Occupational hazard I would say. People tend to forget that teachers are human too...still, I do my best...whether they succeed is entirely in their hands.

I am not an idealist, anti-capitalist, anti-establishment. I am none of those, and I am all of those.

However, no matter how busy I say I am, I always make sure I find the time to stop and smell the flowers, listen to the sounds of birds singing, or go jogging in the evening...kata busy, tapi ada masa untuk buat semua tu...? They might seem small and insignificant to most...even a waste of time...time is money? Call me a romantic fool, I don't care...these are the things that keep me from hitting the bottom of the pit of depression and will always keep me going...but hey...lain padang lain belalang...kan? See ya.

Selamat Menyambut Awal Muharram, 1429.

Sometimes, it is better to ask for forgiveness than to ask for permission.

tidak ku harap bulan di awan...

jatuh ke riba menjadi teman...

2008-01-12T21:35:00.000+08:00

Hidup ini tidak selalu didasarkan pada jawapan-jawapan yang kita terima, tetapi juga pada pertanyaan-pertanyaan yang kita ajukan..

~Christy Carter Koski

In the hope of reaching the moon, men fail to see the flowers that blossom at their feet.

- Albert Schweitzer

ku semaikan pepohon kemboja

dan bunganya adalah hatiku...

play the game

2007-12-19T20:55:00.003+08:00

Nampaknya ada di kalangan sahabatku yang gila bayang tahap maksima. Bercakap macam William Shakespeare, tulis pun berbelit-belit macam jalan nak ke Cameron Highlands, lengkap dengan metaphore dan analogy alam sekitar yang mencabar minda. Tak cukup seorang, tambah lagi seorang. Tensionnya aku...sama tension dengan jumpa plaza tol di KL. Kalau mereka bukan sahabat, dah lama aku lari jauh-jauh.
Tapi, tak mengapa...mereka masih muda, hormone infested boys...tak ada salahnya bercinta...tapi perlu berani...kalau takut dilambung ombak, jangan berumah di tepi pantai...buatlah rumah kat gurun Sahara...

Aku...? Aku pencinta yang setia...tak mungkin ada yang kedua. Setia... kerana aku tahu, walau apa jua alasannya, kehilangan cinta amat menyiksa jiwa. Setia... kerana aku tak ingin lagi cinta bertukar menjadi air mata. Bukan beerti aku takut, tak semestinya aku akan menolak...pintu hatiku memang tertutup tapi tidak berkunci...kalau berani, ketuklah...

Ok, since we're on the subject of heart and mind...I have a psychological question...bukan apa, sekadar menguji minda...release tension.

Kamu berada di padang pasir dan bekalan air semakin berkurangan. Disamping kamu, ada lima ekor binatang - lembu, singa, monyet, kuda dan kambing biri-biri. Malang sekali, sepanjang perjalanan, satu persatu binatang itu terpaksa kamu tinggalkan.

Soalannya- apakah binatang yang pertama, kedua dan seterusnya yang akan kamu tinggalkan...kerana setiap binatang melambangkan keutamaan diri kamu sebenarnya dan binatang yang akan bersama kamu melambangkan keutamaan kamu dalam hidup.

Jawab dulu....baru tengok jawapan...no cheating.

Jawapan aku...SINGA, KUDA, LEMBU, BIRI-BIRI, MONYET.

KAMBING BIRI-BIRI melambangkan persahabatan
KUDA melambangkan impian kamu
SINGA melambangkan maruah
MONYET melambangkan anak-anak atau keluarga
LEMBU melambangkan keperluan asas.

Makes you think...doesn't it?

'Seandainya hidup punca perpisahan, biarlah mati menyambungnya semula,
seandainya mati punca perpisahan, biarlah hidup ini membawa erti yang nyata....'

MY IMMORTAL

2007-12-19T20:55:00.002+08:00

GREETINGS...FRIENDS

2007 has been an eventful and challenging year for me...physically, mentally, emotionally. How so? That's for me to know but not for you to find out...

I'm so tired of being here
suppressed by all of my childish fears
and if you have to leave
I wish that you would just leave
because your presence still lingers here
and it won't leave me alone...

the wounds won't seem to heal
this pain is just too real
there's just too much that time cannot erase...

I have 3 things to say before venturing into the unknown territory of 2008...IF...
I made you happy...I'm glad
I made you cry...so sorry
I made no difference to you...tough luck

What has 2008 got in store for me...3 words...BRING IT ON!!!

and, what does 2007 mean to me?

nothing!!!............................EVERYTHING!!!

there's just too much that time cannot erase...

HAVE A GREAT NEW YEAR!

mampukah aku...

2007-12-19T20:55:00.001+08:00

segala yang ku lakukan bukan satu pengorbanan,
semuanya demi cinta, kasih sayang dan tanggungjawab.

suka duka hidupku bukan satu pengorbanan,
semuanya sekadar cabaran,

dan jika suatu hari aku perlu berkorban...
mampukah aku....?

SELAMAT MENYAMBUT HARI RAYA QURBAN.

HEART OR MIND

2007-12-16T11:05:00.000+08:00

I got a phone call last night, from my aunt, telling me that my uncle, the one who betrayed my family...I wont tell you the whole story. It's much too long and too complicated. Boleh buat telenovella. The antagonists being my uncle and my late step-brother and the protagonists are my family and I.

My aunt called me because she could not get hold of my mom who has gone off to Dungun and won't be back until after Hari Raya Qurban. Just my luck! She told me that my uncle is back from the hospital and is very-very sick... She said, it's time for me to put aside my anger and make peace with him before its too late. Forgive and forget was what she really meant. What I really wanted to say to her was ' I don't give a bloody shit what happens to him' but being a good niece I replied 'insya allah' and felt like a total hyppocrite.

Shocked? I don't blame you. Any reasonable person would probably do the decent thing and rebind the severed family tie. Severed due to greed and irresponsibility. Harapkan pagar, pagar makan padi.

To do justice to myself, I sat up the whole night, thinking about it...well, in between watching tv, surfing the net, loading my system with caffeine, I thought about it...seriously, and at 6.45 am, I went out to the jogging track behind my house, to get rid of the caffeine and load my system with adrenaline instead, still thinking, and came back soaking wet because it was raining. My semi-rational brain told me to forgive and forget but somehow the signal got tangled-up somewhere and did not make it to my heart.

To forgive is divine, let bygones be bygones...

Well I can't forget, I will not forgive and I'm not divine. I'm flesh and blood...and right now my blood is rapidly flowing out of my bleeding heart, being replaced with hatred. Come to think of it, 'hatred' is a bit of an understatement really, in the same way a tornado might be described as an air current. My heart is filled with an emotion much stronger then hatred...not just a mere air current but a full-force category 6 tornado. The extreme sense of betrayal, the lost of trust, cuts so deep I could feel it physically...and it affects my judgement. Sorry brain, you lose again. I say, again, because my step-brother passed away last year and I, typically, refused to attend his funeral. Will I ever learn?

Call me keras kepala or degil or keras hati etc, I can accept it. Memang I'm all that plus vengeful and extremely emotional . I'm a scorpio after all. Sad to say, I happen to possess all the negative traits of a scorpio. I'm not proud of it...but I won't lose any sleep over it either. My aunt said, 'Go and see him before it's too late. Have a heart.'
HEART??? WHAT'S THAT!!! I DON'T THINK HE HAS ONE... sunday, Dec 16, 8.25 am
AND NOW, IT'S TOO LATE...
I COULD NOT STOP MY TEARS...
I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHY I'M CRYING...sunday, Dec 16, 11.50am

DREAMING (tell me)

2007-12-16T02:58:00.000+08:00

This is my all time favourite song, heard it when I was at university (that was like ages and ages ago), and fell hopelessly in love with it. Just like to share it with you. But, if you wish to listen to it, you'll have to do it on your own cause I have no idea how to upload songs into my blog...can we actually do that? Anyway, listen to it, its brilliant.

This is especially for my UMP friends...can't wait to see you guys again.

DREAMING (tell me) - Yngwie Malmsteen

Shades of light, fall upon my eyes
lonely world fades away
misty night, shadow starts to rise
lonely world fades away

In my dreams,
your face is all I see
through the night,
you share your love with me

Dreaming,
visions of you
Feeling,
all the love I never knew

here we are, on the coastals of forever
shining star lights the way
walk with me, on the winds of time
love's mystery is for us to find

Dreaming,
visions of you
Feeling,
all the love I never knew

until that day,
until the day I find you
I won't rest,
I won't let go
somehow, some way,
I know I'll be beside you
to warm my heart,
and fill my soul

Till we meet again...

THE SOUND OF SILENCE

2007-12-13T20:54:00.000+08:00

Hello darkness my old friend,
I've come to talk with you again...

Now that everything's over, everyone's gone home. After the hassle of hosting Debat Perpaduan, of running around the university, of trying to keep cool and scream at the same time, you would think that I would welcome the peaceful silence which eventually arrived. Silence is correct, peaceful?... not really.

and the vision that was planted in my brain

still remains

within the sound of silence

It felt more like isolation than peace. Its like the silence after a bomb exploded. First, there's the deafening explosion, then not a sound...either everyone's in shock or they're all dead.

and in the naked light I saw

ten thousand people maybe more

people talking without speaking

people hearing without listening

people writing songs that voices never shared

no one dared

disturb the sound of silence

The sense of isolation left by the sudden departure of vigorous activity was traumatic, at its best. I felt really lost, didn't quite know what to do or where to go...what I wanted most at that time was someone to speak to, to share the experience of the past few days...in retrospect. No such luck.

"fools," said I, "you do not know"
silence like a cancer grows
hear my words that I might teach you
take my arms that I might reach you
but my words like silent raindrops fell
and echoed in the wells of silence

Now, its time to put my life back in perspective, a change of paradigm is called for. I've got a million things to do and I don't even know where to start. What I need to do now is to put everything on 'pause' mode and sort things out. Put first things first...as they say. Yea, that's what I'll do...err...as soon as I can figure out what should come first...

in restless dreams I walked alone
narrow streets of cobblestone
I'lI turn my collar to the cold and damp
beneath the halo of a street lamp
when my eyes were stabbed by the flash of a neon light
that split the night

and touched the sound of silence

I'm turning off the 'pause' mode, now. Pressing the 'play' button. Running my life on 'design' instead of 'default mode. I'll make 'silence' as part of the design, that way I can controll it, rather than running my life on 'default' mode and letting 'silence' invade my life without mercy. Make sense to you?

Carpe diem, quam minimum credula postero

2007-12-12T00:30:00.000+08:00

[Carpe diem, quam minimum credula postero.]
Seize the day, put no trust in the morrow!

A lot of things happened recently, things I have seen, heard and read, that made me think of this famous Latin quote which I first learnt when I saw the movie Dead Poets' Society: CARPE DIEM. "Seize the day!"

In the movie Robin Williams tells his young and hopefully impressionable students to seize the beauty and love of each moment while we may.

Well, there is truth in this advice:
Carpe Diem! Seize this moment of the sunrise and sunset, for tomorrow there may not be another moment to seize.

I read something years ago that applies to this thought of seizing the moment:

"you who are letting miserable misunderstandings run on from year to year, meaning to clear them up some day, if you only could know and see and feel that the time is short, how it would break the spell! How you would go instantly and do the thing which you might never have another chance to do!"

The point of all this is simple:
If you have something to say, say it; if you have something to do, do it; if there's something you want, get it; before it's too late and you will end up regretting it for the rest of your life.

below are some quotes pertaining to the idea of seizing the day:

Whether it's the best of times or the worst of times, it's the only time we've got. ~Art Buchwald

If you were going to die soon and had only one phone call you could make, who would you call and what would you say? And why are you waiting? ~Stephen Levine

The bitterest tears shed over graves are for words left unsaid and for deeds left undone. ~Harriet Beecher Stowe, Little Foxes, 1865

Regret for the things we did can be tempered by time; it is regret for the things we did not do that is inconsolable. ~Sydney J. Harris

Present your family and friends with their eulogies now - they won't be able to hear how much you love them and appreciate them from inside the coffin. ~Anonymous

Tis better to buy a small bouquet
and give to your friends this very day
than a bushel of roses white and red
to lay on his coffin after he's dead

THE WORLD IS A STAGE

2007-12-04T01:47:00.000+08:00

This is something I heard on the radio, in my car, on the way to Shah Alam for the Royals debate. Azwan was driving and I was busy trying to keep him awake. Needless to say, Raja has deserted both of us. Anyway, it was in Hot FM where this woman was telling the listeners how her husband left her for his best friend. Left her with I can't remember how many children, one of them is handicapped. The Deejay, of course, gave the standard respond of 'pasti ada hikmah disebalik apa yang berlaku' or something of that nature. I could have said that...without even meaning it.
I commented on that. I said that would be last thing I would want to hear if I was in that position.I can't remember whether Azwan agreed with me on that. I think he did, probably because he didn't want to be kicked out onto the highway in the middle of the night. Never mind about that.
Back to the standard respond...its not that I don't believe it, of course I do, its a universal truth.
But, I still remember back in 1995, when my husband passed away, I didn't want any sympathy, I didn't want any words of comfort, I would rather they just sit beside me and not say a word, and I certainly didn't want any universal truth crammed down my throat, not when I was angry with life for being such a bitch...actually I didn't know what I wanted at that time, until somebody said something that made me think. He said...there are reasons why we don't know our future, and this is one of them. If you had known that this is how your life would be, would you have acepted it?
I could not remember exactly what I said to him. I think I mumbled some incomprehesible phrases which probably meant 'no'.
But I realized then, that's exactly what I needed to hear. The kind of no nonsense, deal with it attitude, the kind that says...this is your life, so deal with it! and I did. I dealt with it the only way I know how to...by putting on my sixty-four million dollar smile and getting on with my life. Well, it works...most of the time. The world is a stage...
So...if I see you crying and fail to say anything, don't be offended. It does not mean that I don't care...It simply means that I can't think of anything constructive to say so I choose not to say anything at all...can you deal with that?

Penny for your thoughts

2007-11-16T22:22:00.000+08:00

Having the opportunity to share what I read with others might also interest others to read...if I find a particular novel interesting, chances are there would probably be others who would too. Even if they don't, it is still quite interesting to see the kinds of responses the story would elicit...either for or against it.

It is universally accepted that reading involves both cognitive understanding as well as emotional or affective interaction between the reader and the text, hence, the process of sharing includes interaction between readers and other readers. It is a chance for readers to express their reaction, thoughts and beliefs based on their background, experience etc.

The process of sharing can take many forms such as through discussions, presentations or dialogue journals.

My personal favourite is through writing, be it journals or diaries. I have always found that when writing down whatever I am thinking or feeling will become clearer as soon as I write them down. Seeing my ideas or emotion stated clearly and concretely in print helps me to understand, reflect and acknowledge whatever is going on inside my head. It's like this. I cannot deal with something which is not concrete. Putting down my ideas or emotion in writing makes them concrete and therefore more manageable. Hey, if it stares you in the face, you've got to deal with it, right?

TO KILL A MOCKINGBIRD

2007-11-16T03:24:00.000+08:00

The novel I'm currently reading is harper Lee's 'To Kill A Mockingbird' (TKM), and I finally understood why it is regarded as the masterpiece of American literature. There are several major themes portrayed in this novel but I will only touch on one or two.

The first is the ever so popular 'good vs evil' theme. TKM is an exploration of inherent goodness and evilness of people. Atticus, father of Scout and Jem, also plays the role of teacher, for his children and his town. Atticus believes that people usually contain aspects of both good and evil, but that good will usually prevail. Atticus teaches this to his children, but also to the town, as he works to defend Tom Robinson, an innocent black man accused of raping a white woman. this proves to be a very challenging task because it involves overcoming the town's deeply ingrained racism and forcing people to change their social perspectives In the racist town of Maycomb in the heart of America's South during the Depression era, this is pretty difficult if not downright impossible. Atticus struggles on, because he believes that one day, goodness will prevail over the evils of racism and racial equality will exist.

Throughout the book, Scout and Jem make the classic transition from innocence to maturity. Jem leads this change, as he is older than Scout, but both children experience it. At the beginning, they approach life innocently believing in the goodness of all people, thinking everyone understands and adheres to the same values they and their father do. During Tom Robinson's trial, the children are sorely disappointed when the jury, made up of their fellow townspeople, convicts the obviously innocent Tom Robinson simply because he is a black man and his accuser is white. The realization that there is true evil within their society forced Jem to reevaluate his understanding of human nature. The challenge of this struggle causes him great emotional pain as he tries to come to terms with disappointing realities of inequality, racism, and general unfairness. Scout also struggles to understand these things, but even following the trial is able to maintain her belief in the goodness of human nature. At the end of the novel, both children are faced with true evil, as Bob Ewell tries to kill them. True goodness, embodied in Boo Radley, saves them. In this final conflict between these opposing forces, goodness prevails.

The next theme I would like to touch on is obvoiusly the mockingbird. This is clearly the title scene and the theme continues throughout the book.When Scout and Jem receive airguns for Christmas, Atticus tells them that although he would prefer that they practice their shooting with tin cans, if they must shoot at living things, they must never shoot at mockingbirds. He explains that it is a sin to kill a mockingbird. Miss Maudie explains why Atticus is correct - mockingbirds never do anyone any harm, and are not pests in any way. All they do is sing beautifully and live peacefully. Therefore, it is a sin to kill them.

The mockingbird comes to represent true goodness and purity. Tom Robinson is one example of a human "mockingbird". He stands accused of raping and beating Mayella Ewell, but is innocent of the charges. The town commits the ultimate sin by finding him guilty and sentencing him to death. In effect, they have killed a mockingbird. Boo Radley is another example of a human "mockingbird". He has spent his entire life as a prisoner of his own home because his father was overzealous in punishing him for a childhood mistake. Boo Radley observes the world around him, causing no harm to anyone, and then saves Jem and Scout's lives when Bob Ewell attacks. The sheriff determines that Ewell's death will be ruled an accident to avoid forcing Boo to go to trial, even though Boo killed him to protect the children. Atticus agrees, and wants to make sure Scout understands why this little white lie must be told. She replies saying of course she understands, putting Boo on trial and in the public sphere would be like killing a mockingbird. The mockingbird represents true goodness and innocence that should always be protected.
Here are some impressionable lines from the book.

'Until I feared I would lose it, I never loved to read. One does not love breathing." pg18.

'You never really understand a person until you consider things from his point of view---'
'Sir?'
'---until you climb into his skin and walk around in it.' pg30

'Somehow, if I fought Cecil, I would let Atticus down. Atticus so rarely asked Jem and me to do something for him, I could take being a coward for him. I felt extremely noble for having remembered, and remained noble for three weeks. Then, Christmas came and disaster struck.' pg77

'---I wanted you to see what real courage is, instead of getting the idea that courage is a man with a gun in his hand. It's when you know you're licked before you begin but you begin anyway and you see it through no matter what. You rarely win, but sometimes you do.' pg112

'With him, life was routine; without him, life was unbearable. I stayed miserable for two days.' pg116

'Never, never, never, on cross examination ask a witness a question you don't already know the answer to, was a tenet I absorbed with my baby food. Do it and you'll often get an answer you don't want, an answer that might wreck your case.' Pg177

'Boo was our neighbour. He gave us two soap dolls, a broken watch and chain, a pair of good luck pennies, and our lives. But neighbours give in return.We never put back into the tree what we took out of it: we had given him nothing, and it made me sad.' pg278

I hate to sound like a cliche but really, if you want to experience physical heartache, you have to read the book. Enjoy!

Cest La Vie - roses and nails

2007-11-14T15:30:00.000+08:00

When did I first start to read? Actually, that didn't come out right. What I wanted to say was when did I actually become interested in reading, I mean, really interested in reading, as in reading just for the simple pleasure of it, not because you have to fill up your 'Projek Bacaan' book.

It would be pointless to try to pin-point the exact time in my life when I developed the love for reading, cos there really isn't one. I have no recollection of actually learning how to read or who taught me my first alphabet. All I know is that by the time I was in standard one, I already knew how to read...I think my teacher was pretty pissed-off with me for knowing how to read before she got a chance to teach me, that's why I was demoted to the last class in std 2...kind of like what happened to Scout in TKM...will get back to this story some other time.

As far as readers go, I wasn't what you could call a prolific reader. No sir!. I was just an avarage teenage reader who enjoyed reading The Famous Five series and The Hardy Boys & Nancy drew series. I graduated from The famous Five & Hardy Boys to Agatha Christie and Sherlock Holmes when I was 14 plus at this time I also started reading some Malay Literature stuff. Talk about that later.

During my degree years was when I first read Tolkien's Lord Of The Ring, all of Stephen King's books, some pretty heavy literature stuff like A Passage to India, Empire Of the Sun, Heart Of Darkness, Memoirs Of A survivor, Brighton Rock, Lord Of The Flies, Frankenstein plus most of Shakespeare's plays...of course! And I loved reading them, though I refused to admit it at that time.

You may wonder why I didn't read Mills & Boons and other romance novels that was in the market then...and now. For one thing, you can't find those novels in the school library, or I would have at least tried to read one...plus at that time, I never had enough money to buy novels. So, I never got to lay my hands on Mills & Boons and I haven't got a clue what those novels were about until I was at University.

I mentioned earlier that at this time I had also started reading some Malay Literature stuff. However, the Malay literature that I read was of a totally different genre. I absolutely loved reading all the 'Hikayat' literature...Hikayat Inderaputra, Hikayat Malim Deman, Hikayat Merong Mahawangsa etc. I suppose I'm a real sucker for myth and magic. But I also read 'Warisan' and 'Ranjau Sepanjang Jalan'. I have to say, I find these two novels very powerful in dealing with the essence of human behaviour...from innocence to experience, kindness and cruelty love and hatred, patriotism and betrayal. Yeah...I do read some serious Malay Literature books, and I'm proud of it too.

So... do any of these books have any effect on me or influence me in any way? Hard to say really. May be in the way I think and the way I write. I learnt, from books and experience that life is not always a bed of roses...sometimes you have to lie on a bed of nails, and if I have to go through it again, with the same sad story and the same sad end, I would...elementary Sherlock? You bet. Like the French says...Cest La Vie!!!

DEMI MASA...

2007-11-03T16:36:00.000+08:00

DEMI MASA, SESUNGGUHNYA MANUSIA DALAM KERUGIAN...

I take time very seriously. They say 'time is money' or 'masa itu emas'. I don't agree at all. For me, money and gold combined would still not equal the value of time. I would always choose time over money, most people would view it as dumb. So what?

Malaysians are notoroius for not being punctual. I'm not saying all Malaysians are like that, but most of us are... hence the phrase 'Janji Melayu/Malaysia???'. They say, see you at 8 and turned up 20 minutes late... and most don't even feel guilty about it...its only 20 minutes. its not like I'm two hours late... sounds familiar? ONLY 20 MINUTES!!! That how valuable time is for some. Hello...in 20 minutes, anything could happen, you could get rundown by a truck in 20 minutes, I could get fired in 20 minutes, someone could give birth in 20 minutes... late is late, whether it 20 minutes or 2 hours.

It irritates me to no end when people assume when I say 9 o'clock I mean 9.30. If I wanted to meet at 9.30, I would have said 9.30, not 9 o'clock. Simple logic isn't it?

I hate people who are not punctual just as much as I hate drivers who do not indicate before taking a turn or changing lanes...I detest this kind of drivers...so...infer.

Time is the substance from which I am made. Time is a river which carries me along, but I am the river; it is a tiger that devours me, but I am the tiger; it is a fire that consumes me, but I am the fire.

HEY! YOU WANNA BALLOON?

2007-10-27T01:02:00.000+08:00

Derry, Maine is a quiet town, terrorized every 30 years by a horror known only as "It". The only victims of "It" are children. Through the form of a clown named Pennywise, "It" wakes up every 30 years and feeds. The adults of Derry act like "It" doesn't happen. Ironically they know about "It", but the events are too horrible to talk about. Seven outcasts, known as The Lucky Seven, Bill, Ben, Beverly, Eddie, Richie, Mike, and Stan are able to defeat "It" as children and make a pact to return and do battle again should the terror return. Now 30 years later, Mike Hanlon who stayed behind, is puzzled by a bizarre occurance of child murders. When he discovers that "It" has come back, he reunites what's left of The Lucky Seven, now in their middle ages to do battle once again, and "It" is ready. The Lucky Seven must now defeat "It" and cure Derry of "The Derry Disease".

Yeah... if i had to choose a book that I particularly enjoy, it would be this one...'IT' by Stephen King...no kidding!!?my all time favourite writer. why IT? Why not 'The Body' or 'Misery' or any of the countless books he has written? I'm not sure, actually...but the thing that is imprinted in my mind is the fact that when they were children, they managed to kill 'IT' with a slingshot, using silver bullets/slugs, which they actually made by melting their moms' silverwares. However, 30 years later when Pennywise...that's the name of the clown (IT) resurfaced, (apparently, IT will appear in the form of something which the kids fear or hate most, eg, if you're afraid of spiders, than you will encounter IT in the form of a giant spider or in the case of Bill who felt guilty for the death of his brother, he had to face his little brother blaming him for his death. But generally, IT appears in the form of a clown holding orange balloons, saying 'Hey! You wanna a balloon?') , so, when Pennywise reappeared 30 years later, the silver bullets didn't work anymore. Another similar incident was when one of the kids, (I honestly connot remember his name now cos someone borrowed the novel and forgot to return it, same thing with the vcd) anyway, this kid was a bit wimpish...and to make it worse, he had asthma...and at one point, out of desperation, he used his inhaler to defeat pennywise by pretending that it was batterry acid...and it worked, of course, when he tried the same trick 30 years later...well, you can guess.

The point is, if the silver bullets and the inhaler worked when they were kids, why didn't they work 30 years later? What went wrong? or more precisely, what has changed?

As I see it, the problem was that they all grew up into sensible, rational thinking, no nonsense adults. The silver bullets and inhaler worked 30 years before because as kids, they really believed that if you want to kill magical monsters, you have to use a silver bullet...ordinary bullets won't work, just like they believed in the tooth fairy, or santa claus or even magic.

When they were kids, their thinking was ...IT is not an ordinary monster. IT is magical...therefore, only silver bullets can kill it. 30 years later, the way they think was... IT eats children. for IT to eat, it needs to have a physical form and if it has a physical form, it can be killed...no need for silver bullets.

See how they need to rationalize things, put things in perspective so they make sense to their nonsensical adult minds, just so people won't think they're crazy. Is that so bad?...Doing crazy things sometimes? I don't mean turning into a serial killer or something, just doing something we don't ordinarily do, something out of our ordinary norm. Hell, it drives me insane trying to remain sane all the time.

I read somewhere that nobody appears more sane than an insane person. Look at Norman Bates in Psycho. Isn't he the most rational person you've ever seen???...with his clean-cut American-farmboy look and his soft spoken manner...he is the most 'sane' character in the story... until he starts killing...and most of us go through life doing the same things everyday and then complains that our lives are monotonous. Isn't that insane? Imagine this...everyday we mix blue and yellow and everyday we get green. Then one day, we mix the same colours expecting to get purple...how is that possible. That's what I call crazy...doing the same thing everyday but expecting a different result. If you don't change one of the colours, you will always end up with the same colour...and if you don't change any of your routines but still expect your day to end different than yesterday...you are definately losing it.

So, lighten up a little. Learn from the children... don't try to take the world on your shoulders. Being an adult does not mean we have to know the answer to every question. Face it...the world is not going to stop revolving just because you don't know who Brad Pitt is, and if you can't explain somethings, don't. Blame it on divine intervention or destiny or George Bush. It's hard work trying to rationalize everything so they make sense all the time.

Me? I live my life the way I want to...not really concerned with what other people think...err... as long as they leave me alone...and it works just fine...know why?

Cause I believe in magic. So... you wanna balloon???

DO NOT GO GENTLE INTO THE GOOD NIGHT

2007-10-26T23:31:00.000+08:00

Well, its been a while, but here I am again. I have to say though, this week has been hell...but next week will be sheer hell. This whole week I've been juggling between my housework, trying to finish my required reading for tomorrow, trying to complete my assignments also for tomorrow's class, replacing classes and giving my students their final test. With the amount of juggling I'm doing, I might as well be in a circus. DO NOT GO GENTLE... nope... no way I'm going to go gentle...if I have to spend the whole night finishing my work... so be it!!! DO NOT GO GENTLE INTO THE GOOD NIGHT...though I have to admit, right now, I feel as if I'm falling from a high building hoping there's a safety net somewhere below...preferably being held by friendly faces. But, if it turns out I have to hit the ground, then I would... but not without a fight...nope...I WILL NOT GO GENTLE INTO THE GOOD NIGHT!!! Dylan Thomas...I thank you.

And now, I shall start on my second blog assignment...oh did I tell you I have to finish eleven blog assignments for Dr E before the end of next week? and study for my finals at the end of next week also... and finish marking my students final test by next week plus finish keying in all the marks by the end of next week also. But hey...DO NOT GO GENTLE INTO THE GOOD NIGHT... RAGE, RAGE AGAINST THE DYING OF THE LIGHT. If I have to fall, I'll make bloody sure I'll land on a bloody safety net...or I wouldn't let myself fall in the first place. Wanna bet?

THOUGHTS ON YOUNG ADULT LITERATURE

2007-09-06T09:18:00.000+08:00

SAY WHAT? That was my first reaction to the term Young Adult LIterature or more fondly known as YAL. My lecturer, Dr Edwin, I shall refer to him as Dr E... sounds like a character from a science fiction flick doesnt he?... anyway, Dr E's first instruction was for us to write a blog. Sure. I can do that... as soon as I figure out waht a blog is.
Apparently, a blog is some kind of electronic journal written and posted into cyberspace for all the space cadets to view and comment. Oh well. That means I shall have to practice 'selective writing' as I have no desire to get up close and personal with anyone in or out of cyber space.
Ok. back to the business of YAL. What is YAL? A piece of literature written by young adults, obviously! By 'young adults' I mean those between the ages of 20 to 25 since I read somewhere, I think it was in the National Geographic Magazine, that the human brain will only fully mature at the age of 26...and here we are letting them drive at 17 and vote at 21. Go figure!!!
Very good Mala. At least I got the 'piece of literature' part correct. As it turns out, according to Dr E, and he did say its highly debatable, YAL refers to 'literature written for and about young people, ages between 11 to 18. Are you kidding? If 11 to 18 are young adults, what do they call a 40 year old like me...fossilized adults? Depressing? YOU HAVE NO IDEA!!!